Filling the pages

Krige van Rensburg

December 28th 1997

The rain came down softer, but the storm was far from over. The storm from within, that is. Jade’s limp body, almost completely drowned in the thick brown mud, was visible only with every lightning flash. I never fancied myself an art lover, but the sight had some sort of magnificent artistic angle to it. Jade’s beautiful eyes were now just a gaping lifeless stare. Pity I couldn’t share it with anyone.

Luckily she didn’t struggle too much; I wouldn’t have liked that. When I felt her neck break, her last breath of air escape her lips, there was nothing but the calmness from within. It was better than I had expected.

I remember the first time we met. Her scent alone broke the boundaries from within, and even then, when I thought about making love to her, the earth shook. I regret ever finding her with Michael, but I’ll never, ever regret taking her life for my own …

Devin closed the book and his eyes simultaneously. The classroom was silent. He opened his eyes again, and spoke softly.

“You see, class, murder is seldom cold-blooded. It is, and has always been, motivated. Our character wanted this woman for his own, and what we can distinguish from the passage is that he caught her with another man. We cannot simply assume that it was done out of jealousy. I agree it seems that way, but one needs to delve a lot deeper to find the darkness. Could it be that there were other alternatives to his motivation? Let’s see …”

He paged backwards and held up the book.

December 13th, 1997

I called her mobile phone a while ago, and it was on voicemail. I phoned it again, just to listen to her voice. It has always amazed me how sweet and gentle it was. Like her eyes … those big and bright green eyes that befit her name so uniquely. The man at the jewellery store said her ring would be ready on Friday, so that gives me more than enough time for the preparations. It will be perfect, and if it’s not, it was never meant to be. I’m going to try and phone her again …

This time she answered. I wish I could be there right now, at her work, but they’ll never allow me into that place again. After the childish run-in with Michael, I haven’t been that popular. I think I’ll speak to her tonight about making a move. It’s bad to stagnate in the same place, especially when there is a world out there to explore. Maybe we could go to France. We should be able to settle down there quite easily, and I’m sure Jade would love it. I know she would.

I’m already on my 5th cup of coffee for the day. I should watch it, caffeine could kill a man. The coffee shop has increased with patrons over the last hour, and I can only laugh at them. A couple is sitting not far from me, a true depiction of the word ’clich้’. The way they hold hands and laugh at each other’s little jokes makes me sick. If only they had a vague perception of what Jade and I share. True, unconditional love that is so great, God himself knows not where it came from. It is the understanding of two minds, but more so the intertwining of two hearts, two souls. The only thing my heart desires is to hold her, to drown in her eyes and not utter a single word. These pretenders can never experience it. They are blinded by their lust and reach out only for their own gain. Pity.

I have found nothing quite so beautiful in this life as Jade. If ever I should lose her, I would still be more than privileged to be stuck with only the memory of her …

Devin closed the book and paced around in the classroom, some of the wooden planks creaking with his every step. He turned around and poured himself some water from a jug before swallowing it. He turned to the class.

“Isn’t that … powerful?” he said, holding up a closed hand for emphasis.

“Let me read it again: If ever I should lose her, I would still be more than privileged to be stuck with only the memory of her …

“This man, even though he took her life, loved her more than anything in this world. It could be speculated that he was overly obsessed, but what do we base obsession on? If this woman became his sole existence, it would be hard to debate that his motivation for murder was because of an obsession. Think about it: he lives for her, because his own life might have no real meaning. Thus, she is the meaning to his life! Maybe he simply wanted her all for himself without having to share. If he shared, his own life wouldn’t be unique, as this might also be important to him.”

Devin coughed.

“Sorry, I used the word simply, which is truly incorrect. Nothing with this case could be classified as simple. This is a man who experiences emotions on a different level from most of us. And it is clear that he keeps a decent, controlled mind-frame, which we can see by statements such as ’too much caffeine can kill a man’, and his extremely neat handwriting. So it cannot be blamed on disillusionment, or schizophrenia immediately. The answer has to lie within these pages …

“The next entry is only three days before the last one I had read.” He read again.

December 10th 1997

I am immortalising this moment into my journal. I am in Jade’s bathtub, her 6 candles are lit and they are casting their flickering flames all around me. I don’t know where she is, but she left me a photo on her dressing-room table. It is truly a capture of pure beauty. She probably went to buy some champagne or red wine for our meeting tonight.

I can see her nightgown hanging on a peg in the wall. It looks like silk, and can only be. Her skin deserves the softest fabric known to man. Something that not even my gentle touch can compare with. I will relax here for a little while more before I make a move. Besides, my toes are starting to go all wrinkly and I despise it.

“There is a break in the page here, but he wrote a little bit further on,” Devin said and continued reading.

I found another photo of her in the study, but this one is with Michael. At first I was content, but from the depths within my heart arose a terrible jealousy that I cannot explain. It has disturbed me so much; I have decided to leave this place for the night. Jade would understand.

“Jealousy …” Devin said and trailed off. “It is indeed a terrible thing to be jealous, especially if it runs so deep that the bottom seems endless. Jealousy is a mirror with two faces, and it all depends on which side you’re standing on when you’re looking at it. At this time the motif has become clearer.”

He read again:

December 8th 1997 …

“… That’s two days earlier …”

Here I am, another lunch hour in yet another day. I cannot take this work any more. My boss is an indolent slob, making his employees work overtime. He has forced me to take it up with him. I shall speak to him … nicely. Besides, being an Accounts Assistant in a posh clothing store isn’t really worth my while. Unfortunately I have to return to work, the mindless thing we do for money, for survival.

I’m at home now, truly shaken. I cannot hold the pen straight, nor rest my thoughts. Just before closing time, I was blessed by a firsthand visit from a goddess. A woman had come to the counter to query her account. She had long black hair, falling to a place just above the small of her back. I was hypnotised by her eyes … it was the finest green I had ever seen before in my entire existence. It was a crime when she blinked, as she hid the beauty every time it happened. When she saw I was at a loss for words, she smiled; the one corner of her mouth turning ever so slightly, it radiated warmth and love. Her voice was melodious, able to pacify even the most stubborn of beings. My heart was closed, cold. But then, as my gaze met hers, I knew I could not deny my feelings … I had fallen in love with her right there and then. I could do nothing about it.

I helped her as best I could without hinting too much that her beauty had overwhelmed me. I don’t think I succeeded. Her name was Jade … I did not want her to go. I wanted to know everything about her. What sort of food she likes, what makes her laugh and what makes her cry. In the short space of almost ten minutes it was impossible for me to achieve that. It wasn’t only the time that I lacked; it was the sheer courage as well. When she left, I was still enraptured by her scent alone, but the bordering tears of frustration amongst an emotional turmoil was burning my soul.

I felt at a loss. I wanted to strangle myself for not doing or saying something, but I could not speak my feelings. A woman like Jade needs to be treated as a higher being, and therefore it is better that I bide my time. I need some way to come into contact with her, some way I can at least see her again. But it might take a while before she comes into the shop again. If only I … wait! I figured it out. How could I be so stupid? She must have truly bewitched me.

I will contact her soon, as I have all her details on the computer …

Devin closed the book and cleared his throat. “And that, class …” he began, but stopped abruptly when the door opened. A woman walked in, her head down, and closed the door behind her. She was fumbling for something in her purse when she looked up, frightened.

“Oh, I’m sorry. You gave me quite a fright! I didn’t think anyone would be here after school hours.”

“I really do apologise, Ms …”

“Summers, Laura. This is my classroom. I just dropped in to fetch some books that I had forgotten. What are you doing here anyway?”

“Oh, I was just cleaning your class when I thought I might try a little teaching of my own.”

“Really? Well, let’s hear it!”

Devin blushed. “No, I couldn’t. It’s quite different when there’s an audience.”

“Hey, just pretend no one’s here; it won’t be bad, I promise. Plus, I won’t throw paper at you or anything else.”

“Ha-ha. Well, I suppose I could give it a bash.”

“That’s it. Wait … let me go and sit at one of the desks,” she said and took a seat in the front of the class.

Devin cleared his throat, opened the book and paged to the very last entry.

“Class, Welcome. Where do some roads lead us? Especially the ones less travelled? I want to read you a piece from a firsthand account  ...”

January 14th, 1998

I have seen little change within myself, except the ever burning longing to be with Jade. It is not what happened that troubles me. It is what should have happened. And I have learned that one cannot hang on to the “what ifs” in life. One simply has to move on and forget the past.

I suppose it might be easier said than done. Yet, sometimes we take a different road, our feet hovering above the steel jaws of the bear trap. Unaware and daringly we step forward, realising our mistakes moments later. It is true the pain heals, but the scars … the scars are the reminders that haunt us forever.

Even now, as I bear these scars, I have taken my life in yet a new direction. A place away from mindless clockwork jobs, away from the pressures of everyday life. It’s a place far away from Jade and her insolent brother Michael. This is a place where dreams might become a reality, and nightmares long forgotten. Some might call it the very bottom of life, but I call it home. For when I start my duties, it is only my mind and I, and the seemingly endless empty corridors that sing the ongoing song of life.

He closed the book and looked at Laura.

“That was beautiful,” she said, still seated. “What book is that? Where did you get it?”

“Oh, it was lying around in the place I had moved into recently,” he said and handed it to her.

She paged through it absent-mindedly, focussing more on the neat, freestyle handwriting than anything else. She closed it and looked up at him.

“You have a very powerful voice. I’m sure you can make an excellent teacher. I can tell. If one has been teaching as long as I have, you can spot talent a mile away.”

“Thank you, Laura. Would you mind if I told you something that is slightly off the point?”

“Sure.”

“You have the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.”

As Laura blushed, she looked down at her table and noticed the front cover of the book for the first time: Devin Banks, A Journal, A Life entry.



LitNet: 19 May 2004

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