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Pumla Dineo Gqola is a feminist writer whose short stories have been published in anthologies of (South) African writing, and most recently in Tyhume, Gowanus and Postcolonial Text. Her creative non-fiction has appeared in Fito, Chimurenga and the UK-based Drum. She has published academic articles on African and Caribbean literature, feminism, womanist and postcolonial studies, and is co-editor of Discourses on Difference, Discourses on Oppression (2002). A graduate of the Universities of Cape Town, Warwick (England) and Münich (Germany), she is employed as a senior lecturer in the Humanities at the University of the Free State. "Ndineminyaka esixhenxe, ndihleli kwiklasi yesikolo esiqheleke njengesabamnyama soqobo. Andazi ukuba kukuqheleka kwantoni kanye-kanye. Singabantwanana abamashumi asixhenxe anesithandathu, kwiidesika ezikroze ukusuka phambili ukuya emva okanye ukusuka emnyango ukuya efestileni, kuxhomekeke kwindlela ozibona zime ngayo. Sihleli siyaphungu-phunguza. Lixesha lesifundo sezakwaLizwi. Utitshala wethu yiNdoda eMnyama esixeleleyo kule veki iphelileyo, nakwengaphambili, eseza kusixelela amaxesha ngamaxesha, ngendlela uThixo abathanda ngayo abantu abasikhumba sikhanyayo (abamhlophe). Lo titshala uza kusixelela ngendlela abantu abasikhumba sikhanyayo (abamhlophe) abangcono, abaphucuke nabachubeke ngayo." "I am seven years old, sitting in a class in what has come to be called a typical black school. I don't know what's typical about anything really. There are seventy-six of us little people in desks that stand in rows from the front to the back, or from the door side to the window side, depending on how you choose to look at it. We sit restlessly. It is Religious Instruction period. Our teacher is a Blackman who told us last week, and the week before, and will tell us several times more, about how God likes fair-skinned people. This teacher will tell us about how fair-skinned is better, smarter, morally more developed."

Ukufunda ngomzimba wam Pumla Dineo Gqola Also available as: Growing into my body

Ndilibhala ndilicima eli nqaku. Ndilibhale ngeendlela-ndlela ezahlukileyo ndalifaka imibala-bala apha ekupheleni kwamaphepha. Liziziqendwana ezibonisa indlela endicinga ngayo. Ndifuna ukuthetha "ngomzimba wam", yaye xa ndigqiba ukubhala esinye isiqendu, ndiqaphela ukuba ukuziziliza kwam ekubhaleni esi sincoko kunxulumene nomnqweno wam wokusenza ukuba singaqhawu-qhawuki, sibe yimbumba ebhaleke kakuhle khon' ukuze sigubungele amaxhala endinawo ngokuphonononga amanxeba nezinto ezithe zandikhathaza. Ndifuna ukutywina iindawo ekuhlangana kuyo umbala omsobo noluhlaza okwesibhaka-bhaka esikhumbeni, onokuba wenziwe ngumvambo okanye olunye uphawu. Iyandimangalisa into yokuba iinkumbulo zolonwabo nobuhlungu ziqelelene okanye zisondelelene kangangoko sizivumela ukuba zibe njalo. Yaye umgama nguwo osichazela indlela esiphila ngayo kuloo maxesha okuba singazi ukuba masithini. Ngoko ke andithembisi nqwaba yalwazi lugqibelelyo apha, kodwa ndifunisisa kwiziqanaqwana zamacwecwe endizifundayo ezibonisa amahlandinyuka obomi. Icwecwe lokuqala: Imvakalelo eboniswa ngumzimba Ngamava ukukhumbula into ethile Marita Sturken 1 Ndineminyaka esixhenxe, ndihleli kwiklasi yesikolo esiqheleke njengesabamnyama soqobo. Andazi ukuba kukuqheleka kwantoni kanye-kanye. Singabantwanana abamashumi asixhenxe anesithandathu, kwiidesika ezikroze ukusuka phambili ukuya emva okanye ukusuka emnyango ukuya efestileni, kuxhomekeke kwindlela ozibona zime ngayo. Sihleli siyaphungu-phunguza. Lixesha lesifundo sezakwaLizwi. Utitshala wethu yiNdoda eMnyama2 esixeleleyo kule veki iphelileyo, nakwengaphambili, eseza kusixelela amaxesha ngamaxesha, ngendlela uThixo abathanda ngayo abantu abasikhumba sikhanyayo (abamhlophe). Lo titshala uza kusixelela ngendlela abantu abasikhumba sikhanyayo (abamhlophe) abangcono, abaphucuke nabachubeke ngayo. Xa ndiyijonga ngokomntu omdala le nto ndiyamangaliswa ukuba lo titshala usixelela ntoni kanye-kanye. Ingaba usixelela ukuba uzizo zonke ezi zinto? Ingaba usihlazisa kwilizwe kuba yena ekumanqwanqwa aphezulu alo? Kweli lizwe ingaba unguThixo? Ingaba udala phambi kwababukeli bakhe ilizwe apho yena amkelekileyo, enganxaxhanga, engadelekanga, engajongelekanga phantsi? Ingaba le ndoda, mhlawumbi, isixelela ngelizwe apho sicinezelwe lugonyamelo lwabamhlophe ngendlela eyenza ukuba sibathiye abo bafana nathi? Ndiminyaka isixhenxe, unyaka ngu1980. Ndihlala kwindawo endifunde kamva ukuba ibizwa ngokuba kusemaphandleni, kwidolophana enembali eninzi. Le mbali ikhethe ukuzifihla njengoko ndihleli kule desika yam. Utitshala wam akathethi ngelizwe apho abamhlophe baphezulu kwabamnyama. Le ndoda ithetha ngamaqondo eyantlukwano, ngemigangatho phakathi kwesizwe esimnyama, kubumnyama, kuluntu olumnyama, phakathi kohloniphekayo nongahloniphekiyo. Kwesi sikolo ndiza kufunda ukuba amantombazana amhlophe ngawona mahle. Ngalo lonke ixesha, ndiza kufunda ukuba amakhwenkwe amnyama namantombazana mahle okanye akamahlanga, kuxhomekeke kwibala lawo. Aba babizwa ngamagama anjengala "umbala-obugolide" okanye "umdak' onomkhitha". Ndiyalaqaza eklasini yam xa utitshala wethu esixelela oku kaninizi-ninzi nditsho ndiqonde ukuba thina, bantwana beklasi yam, sifanekiswa nayo yonke imibala emnyama endiya kuze ndiyazi. Njengomntu omdala, ndiyamangaliswa kukuphinda-phinda kwengqondo yam ukufanisa oku neminye imibono efanayo. Ndiyazi ukuba ubuntu bam njengenenekazi elimnyama abumiselwanga ngokomzimba okanye ngokwengqondo yaye andilohlobo luthile lomntu omnyama ngenxa yobungakanani kwesidali-bala lintsundu esikhumbeni sam. Kodwa le ngcinga izingileyo ngalo mzuzu, nangeminye enjengale, iyaqhubeka ukudlala indima kubomi bam, ekuqondeni kwam iindlela ezikhuphisanayo, eziphikisanayo nezingqinelana nendlela imvakalelo eboniswa ngumzimba wam efundeka ngayo. Iyandikhathaza le nto, kuba ndiyamangaliswa ukuba oku kutyhefeka kwengqondo kuya kuba naziphumo zinjani na kuloo miphemfulwana mincinci ingenathamsanqa lakufumana ezinye iindlela zokubona ilizwe. Ndiyazi ukuba lo titshala unyuke esihla kwezi desika ngaphezulu kwamashumi amane eminyaka. Ndiyamangala ukuba kwenzeka njani na ukuba sifundise abantwana bethu ezo ndlela zintsonkothe kanjalo zenkohlakalo. Icwecwe lesibini : Imvakalelo eboniswa ngumzimba Kwiminyakana embalwa elandelayo, ndivela incoko yabantu abadala. Abantwana abaninzi bayazi ukuba akufanelanga uzibe uphulaphule incoko yabantu abadala. Andikabi yoncutshe yokwenza oku ngendlela ekuchazwe ngayo kwimbali yobomi kaChris van Wyk. Kwincwadi yakhe ethi Shirley, Goodness and Mercy (2004: 160)3 ucebisa ukuba xa umamele incoko yabadala: Musa ukuhlala uthe cwaka njengempuku. Ukuba uyabeva kwigumbi lokuphumla, bayakuva ekhitshini. Ukuba uthe cwaka bayazi ukuba umamele. Yenza iingxolwana ezingephi njengokwenza ngathi usela amanzi, ucule iingonyana zomculo we-pop, ubize inja ngaphandle, kodwa ungayibaxi. Yenza into ethile ngoku umameleyo. Funda incwadi okanye wenze umsebenzi wesikolo. Makuthi ukuba beza ekhitshini beze kulayita iketile, babone inkwenkwe ebulaleka zizibalo engajonganga egumbini nje. Lumkela iziqhulo ezivela kwigumbi lokuphumla. Ukuba umntu ohleli kwigumbi lokuphumla wenza iziqhulo, musa ukuhleka. Baza kukwazi ukuba ubumamele okokoko. Ukuba umama uyakubiza, musa ukusabela ngoko nangoko. Ukuba wenjenjalo uzixelile, ubonakalisa ukuba iindlebe zakho kade zikwincoko yabo. Nangona ndingeyongcali ekumameleni incoko yabadala, ndikhe ndive iziqwengana ezingafanelanga ndletyana zentombazanana endim, yaye ndiyaqinisekisa ukuba andibhaqwa. Ngenye imini ndive incoko apho omnye umfo omnyama aye wanyanzeleka ukuba achebe imiphotho yeenwele zakhe khon' ukuze aqale emsebenzini aqeshwe kuwo kwiziko afuna ukufundisa kulo, elikufuphi nam. Ndiyamangala ukuba oku kuthetha ukuthini ngeenwele, ndiyamangala ukuba kutheni na iinwele zalo mfo zingamkeleki. Kutheni indlela yokwenza iinwele kufuneka ibaluleke kangaka, ide ingafuneki ngolo hlobo. Ndiyazi ukuba isikolo sam sinalo nkcasalala yokutshintsha-tshintsha okuvumelekileyo: ukolukwa okubukelekayo kweenwele komnye unyaka, neenwele ezichetywe inkqayi kolandelayo. Ndiyamangala ukuba kutheni na kukho imithetho engako ngokuba wenze okanye ungenzi ntoni na ngeenwele zakho. Ndigqiba ekubeni le yindlela nje engaqhelekanga yabantu abadala. Kwiminyaka elandelayo, njengoko ndihlalutyana namabali ahlukeneyo, neendidi zemihombiso yeenwele, ndifumanisa ukuba ngumhlaba onobunzima lo. Kwiklasi endiyifundisayo, ingxoxo-mpikiswano ingokuba ingaba inkangeleko ingummiselo ofanelekileyo na wokwenza izigqibo ngezimilo zabantu. Okundichukumisa ngamandla kwakhona kukuba ingaba uphononongo lwemizimba nenkangeleko kungaze kuhlukaniswe kwiingxoxo ezingobuhlanga nesini. Le yimibuzo emilisela iingcinga zethu kubuhle. Ubuhle, sixelelwa njalo, ukuba yinto engenabunzulu. Kodwa siyazi ukuba ubukhulu nokumila okuthile, kuhambisana nemihombiso ethile yomzimba, ukuzicoca nokuzikhuhla, kubalwa njengobuhle. KuMzantsi-Afrika wangoku, sibonakala sifunisela, similisela kwakhona ukuba yintoni na ethatyathwa njengobuhle obukholisayo, ngaphaya koko, ukuba mhle. Le yinkqubo enika umdla esingathabatha inxaxheba mhlawumbi kuyo, kuba kufuneka sihlale sizibuza imibuzo rhoqo. Icwecwe lesithathu: Ukufikisa komzimba Ndiminyaka ilishumi elinesithathu, kude nekhaya, esikolweni samantombazana odwa komnye ummandla elizweni. Xa kuhlanjwa apha sijongana iintshukumo esizenzayo siqaphele neyantlukwano eyenziwa yindlela ukufikisa okuyichaphazela ngayo imizimba yethu. Kukho iinqaba zokuphuma amagophe ezinyongeni, nto leyo ithandwayo neyoyikwayo ngaxesha-nye: amabele ayakhula, iinyonga zizandlala ngokunomtsalane. Ngamanye amaxesha le nquleqhu yokukhathalela umzimba ibonakalisa ubuqhitala bokoyiswa ukufihla ubungqina bokuba umntu uya exesheni. Kukho iingxoxo ngoncedo nokungabi luncedo kwamalatshana aziziqhusheko anceda abaya exesheni (pads) xa kuthelekiswa netampuni. Zeziphi ii-pads ezingcono nezilungileyo: eziqhotyoshwayo, okanye ezincanyatheliswayo? Ingaba iitampuni ziyaphazamisana nenwebu ebonisa ubuntombi nto? Iqhuba njalo ke. Njengoko ulutsha luqhele ukuba njalo, sikuqonda kakuhle ukufana kwanomahluko phakathi kwethu. Nokuba zivela kwiminombo ehlukene kangakanani na, sonke sizithatha lula ezinye izinto eziphathelele kwinkqubo yezempilo. Wonke umntu uneetawuli ezimbini zokuhlamba. Enye, ngakumbi emhlophe, isetyenziselwa ukuhlamba ubuso; eyesibini, edla ngokungakhanyi, yeyokuhlamba "umzimba". Imibala iqinisekisa ukuba kungaze kubekho mpazamo, kungaze nangengozi kusulelwe ubuso ngumzimba omdaka. Ubumdaka bomzimba wenenekazi "bucacile". Asiqhathwa nje yile ngcinga yomzimba wentombi omdaka, siba nomfanekiso-ngqondweni wokuba ukugcina ubuso, ngamanye amaxesha umzimba ukhuselekile ekungcolisweni ziimpundu, usisi neenyawo ezimdaka, bubulumko. (Asikhe sicinge ukuba zingcole kangakanani na iinyawo zethu). Sikrele-krele, ngokwenene, ngoba sinalo ufifi lolwazi oluthe xhaxhe ngokungena kwethu ebunenekazini. Ubukrele-krele nococeko bukhangeleka busenza umanyano olungenabulumko, nakwabo babizwa ngokuba ngoo"nongayindoda". Emveni koko sasizibuza imibuzo ngokunwenwa kwengcinga yococeko nongcoliseko kubudlelwane bethu neziqu zethu.Ndithe ndibuza abahlobo nezalamane ngeetawuli zokuhlamba xa ndisembindini ndibhala esi sincoko, kwacaca mhlophe ukuba into yeetawuli ezimbini asiyona-yona nto ibalulekileyo kumanenekazi amadala. Oku akuthethi ukuba sakukhula sikhululekile kwiingcinga zococeko nokungacoceki. Iincwadi namaphepha-ndaba amaninzi amanenekazi elizweni jikelele asaqhubeka ephakamisa uncedo lweemveliso ezifanelekileyo ukufihla nokulawula amavumba angenasimilo omzimba wamabhinqa, iinkangeleko nezinto ezithe phuhlu. UPatricia McFadden ubeka elubala ukuba oku kucakacwa ngokungaphaya kwemizimba yamanenekazi ngokuphathelele kukungacoceki kwawo nokungalawuleki kwawo kunxulumene noloyiko lokucinga ngemizimba yabo xa kuthelekiswa nobumnandi kwakunye/okanye namandla. Ezi ngcinga zongcoliseko lomzimba wentombazana ekuhambeni kwexesha kunxulumene nezinye iindlela zokuphila emzimbeni wethu. Azinakwahlukaniswa kweminye imiyalezo esixelelwa yona njengoko siqheliswe ukucinga ukuba imizimba yethu iluxanduva, iingqondo nemiphefumlo yethu yeyona nto singagqitha ngayo kwimigxobhozo yale mizimba siyirhuqayo. Kwakhona, ndiyamangaliswa ukuba kutheni na kubaluleke kangaka nje ukufundisa ukuthiya isiqu sakho njengoko isisitho sokuqala sokubonakalisa ubukho bakho kweli hlabathi. Ukwamkela iinkolelo ezahlukileyo Andizanga ndamkholelwa utitshala wam, nditsho ndisengumntwana. Ndandisazi ukuba ibala lolusu lwabantu abakrelekrele ngokwenyani kusapho lwam lwalungafani ngenkangeleko. Ndaqaphela nokuba inkwenkwe eyayiyitshomi yam nendandikhuphisana nayo kwindawo yokuqala yayingesosidenge, akukhathaliseki noba wayesithini utitshala. Enye into endayiqaphelayo zizinto ezininzi ezahlukileyo ebomini bam - kusapho lwam, kwizihlobo, nakubantu abandingqongileyo. Kwakwesi sikolo sinye, kwakukho oootitshala ababefundisa ngokucacileyo kwaye befundisa ngemizekelo ukuba maninzi amathuba akhoyo ebomini, nokuba ingqondo efuniselayo ikhethekile kwaye ungonwaba ngomzimba wakho. Yanceda ke into yokuba babe abazali bam bakholelwa kule ngcinga inye efana nezititshala zazineliso elibukhali. Iingcinga ebendinazo ngomzimba ndizibona iyimizamo yokwenza ukuba singaboni imiphefumlo neengqondo zethu ziyinxenye yemizimba yethu. Akothusi ukufumanisa ukuba zezi ngcinga ezixhaphakileyo kwilizwe labamnyama endikhulele kulo ngeminyaka yee- 70's nee-80's. Sonke sikhe safumana ukucatshukiswa ziziqhulo ezibhekiswe kwabazinwele zibugolide kumatheko, kwii-imeyile, nakuzo zonke ezinye iindawo esithi sizihambe. Zisingqongile ezi ngcinga ziloluhlobo, nditsho ezicaweni, kwiindlela zokucinga eziqeqeshwe ngazo, nakumasiko esithi sithabathe inxaxheba kuwo xa sisakhula. Le miyalezo ikhusela ukwahlulwa komzimba kwizinto ezingabonakaliyo eziwudibanisayo: ingqondo/nomphefumlo. Kuba indlela yokucinga esiyifundisiweyo iyileyo iphikisanayo, sibe kumaxesha amaninzi siphinde sikhethe yona. Oku kuthetha ukukhetha phakathi kobuhle nobubi. Akunakuze nje kubekho umahluko. Ukusuka kwesinye isizukulwana ukuya kwesinye sixelelwa ukuba sifanele ukukhetha: ukuba sifihle imizimba yethu xa injongo yethu ikukusebenzisa ubuchopho okanye sibonise ezo ndawo zikhangelekayo nezamkelekileyo. Ukudanisa phakathi kweenzingo4 Ngaloo mitsi yakho enyawo zomeleleyo Kwiinzingo nolonwabo Ingaba ukhe uzibhude na izingqi? Abena P A Busia5 Andisakhethi. Isafobe nomfanekiso wokudanisa phantsi kweenzingo siyathetha kum. Kumzobo kaGoniwe onesihloko esifana nesi, ndonwatyiswa luvuyo ebusweni babo badanisayo. Kuya kubaluleka ukuqonda ukuba okwenzeka phakathi kwezi ndawo zigqunyiweyo; umzimba nengqondo ayingomzabalazo nje. Ungadanisa apho. Kwaye, ewe, zikhona "inzingo nolonwabo". Kubalulekile ukuqalisa ukwakha iinkumbulo ezintsha ngobuwena: imifuziselo ekhuthaza ulonwabo namandla. Xa siqhubeka nezafobe ezingokudanisa phakathi kweenzingo ube uqinisekile ngento oyenzayo, sifikelela kwindawo ekudibana kuyo umzimba nengqondo/nomphefumlo, zingakhuphisani kuloko zidlala kunye. Ngoko ke kufanele kube lula ukucinga uqiqisisa ukuba ingaba loo mdlalo uthetha ntoni na kuwe ngokwesondo, ngokwezopolitiko, ngokwasemoyeni nangayo nayiphi na enye indlela. Ukugcobela umdlalo nokuwenza ukuba ube likhaya lethu, akunakuze kuqamangeleke kubuhle okucingwa ukuba bubo kwanokwamkeleka xa ezi zinto zidalelwe ukusenza ukuba sinyamalale: fihla, cheba iintshiya, thwiza, cheba, zilambise. Namhlanje ndingumfazi. Sikho nesam isikolo sokucinga noxa kukho iindlela zobundlobongela eseziqhelekile. Ndizingomba isifuba ngesi sikolo sam sokucinga, njengotitshala, njengomfazi omnyama osele ekhulile, kwaye luxanduva endicinga ukuba sifanele ukuba sabelane ngalo. Namhlanje umphefumlo wam, uquka ingqondo nomzimba wam, uyagcoba, uyothuka, uyonwabisa, uyothuka kwaye uyaphila. Umzimba wam likhaya lomphefumlo wam - hayi itempile, kwaye ndiyawuthanda umkrwelo olapha, iinwele ezizenzela unothanda, kwanelo thambo lithe tso ndaweni ithile. Umphefumlo wam yi-oli nevumba elimnandi emzimbeni wam, kwaye ndiyazidla ngesikhumba sawo, ukutyibilika kwanedangatye lawo, noxa ndiqonda ukuba ungadubula. Iyandonwabisa into yokucinga ukuba nam ndenza umnikelo ngendlela encinci ukuncedisa abantwana nolutsha ukuba babone amathuba akhoyo. Ndibona iimpawu zokuba bakhona nabanye abenza oku imihla yonke ingakumbi kweli lizwe ndadalelwa kulo. Ndithi xa ndihamba kwezi zitalato zeedolophu needolophana zalo mmandla osemazantsi, ndibe novuyo ukubona indlela abantu abangayibalekeliyo ngayo imizimba yabo. Kubakho intlantsi yovuyo xa ndibona amabhinqa amatsha abantu abamnyama, ingakumbi xa bethetha ngokonwabela nokuthanda iziqu zabo. 1.  Marita Sturken, "The remembering of forgetting: recovered memory and the question of experience", Social Text. 16.4, 1998, p. 106. 2.  I use the capitalised Black here to incorporate "black", "coloured" and Indian. 3.  Chris van Wyk. 2004. Shirley, Goodness and Mercy: A Childhood Memoir. Johannesburg: Picador Africa. 4.  This section is named after, and for, a print by the artist Thembinkosi Goniwe, which I read to explore the layered ways in which identity processes and negotiations are about making sense of the masks and crafting complexity in the activity-space in between.  5. Abena P A Busia. 1995. "Fissures in old friendships" in Moving Beyond Boundaries: International Dimensions in Black Women's Writing (Volume 1), ed by Carole Boyce Davies & 'Molara Ogundipe-Leslie. London: Pluto.

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LitNet: 4 November 2004

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