Am I selfish?

Zonwabele Tshayana

As we approached Christmas, a time for people to shower those they love with gifts, there were those of us who were still loveless. I say this because I was still trying to convince the lady of my dreams to give us a chance. Now, I want you to tell me if I'm being selfish.

I respect her values, morals and principles. I actually understand them and I understand where they come from. As blacks we grew up in an environment where it was seen as rather taboo for a woman to date a younger man. We grew up being told that it's a sin to have a relationship with a woman older than you are. When you ask the elders who say all these things, they can't give you a straight answer as to what proof they have that one is sinning.

My lady, as I prefer to call her, once said something that really interested me. She asked me what would happen if she were to give in to my proposal and then down the line we got married and had kids … How would we explain to our kids that mom is older than dad? She also asks what my family would say if they found out that I was dating an older woman. Furthermore, what would the people generally say about the affair? Her argument is that she told herself from a very young age that she'd never go out with a younger person.

Now my response to all that is: we all have principles, and (usually) we grew up with these principles. They were passed down from way back when one was still a kid. But circumstances were different back then. Do you stick to all the things you said you would do or not do? You check the environment and you revise your principles to reflect the true lifestyle that we are living. People will always talk and the moment you don't heed what they say, they will surely lose interest and stop gossiping about you. There are a lot of people who ended up quitting their relationships or ended up not going out with the people they love just because of the age issue. Most marriages and relationships are in a shambles because people wanted to conform to the standards and values prescribed by other people at the expense of their happiness.

Families have no say in what you do as an adult. Who I'm dating is nobody's business, not even my family's. I don't need their approval, because at the end of the day this is all about me and my happiness. If the older woman makes me happy, then why should I not go for her? Is love not about being happy and satisfied with yourself? Does anyone else know what you saw in the person you fell in love with? You are the only person who knows what drove you to that person. I don't care about the age, and she's making such a big deal out of it.

Tell me if I'm being selfish. I just want to be happy with someone I love and I want to make her happy. She wants us to be friends, and I'm not saying no to that. When I want to take her out, as a friend, she refuses because she says that I haven't yet let go of the idea of the two of us being a couple. She says I must try to suppress my feelings and just be a friend, and she claims that all she's doing is for my benefit. I don't see it working for my benefit. I so wish that one day someone could put sense into one of us, either into me so that I can stop thinking of her as someone I can share my life with, or into her so that she will stop looking at this from the age angle.



LitNet: 13 January 2005

boontoe / to the top

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