Your man and pornography

Olivier

After my first article "Your man and sex" I thought that I might open my second account with something more subtle, but I do not possess the necessary self-control and thus this must be my second publication.

Certainly we all must agree that if your mindset is right, porn can either be sexually stimulating or it could be surprisingly hilarious. Whether you are a supporter of this form of entertainment or not, one thing remains a fact: the porn industry is making a killing. I am referring not only to the XXX video market but to everything that fits the definitions of the recognised dictionaries: pornography is any writing, pictures, films intended for sexual excitement. Obviously, then, pornography to women and men must differ substantially. I can not elaborate on a woman's take on it, but if this is the recognised explanation of pornography then there is a freakishly large amount of porn out there - for men of course. As explained in the previous article, "Your man and sex", there are two mechanisms inside the male body that create pressure for sexual release. The first is the seminal vesicles and the second mechanism is the prostate.

There is also a third organ that needs to be mentioned, though it can either cause the seminal vesicles and the prostate to be stimulated or it can be stimulated by these two eager beavers. This organ is the brain.

The brain receives so many sexual impulses in a day that it makes sense that men are preoccupied with doing the nasty. Men are in a constant state of foreplay with the media and usually it is without their consent.

A person's attitude towards pornography will greatly depend on his/her religion, age, life experiences, peer group and of course gender. Though it seems to be changing lately, according to popular magazines most women still do not approve of pornography and men's obsession with this voyeuristic addiction. It is hard for men to try and explain this weakness - this is why, when women ask men why they watch porn, men have a considered and mature answer … "Because we can!"

It sounds stupid, but in a certain pathetic way it is the truth. Let us take hardcore pornographic videos out of the debate for a second and concentrate on public life. It is like the old debate about how a man would stare at a woman's breasts when she passes him in the street. Women would carry on about the pervert that could not take his eyes of her boobies - odd, because we men know how long women like that take to perfect every curve in the mirror just to be noticed with approval. Men in general would like to be able to talk to a beautiful woman without making an ass of himself by staring at the twins every five seconds. This peeping disorder only means that you have succeeded in your make-him-act-like-a-schoolboy routine and he will have a paranoia attack later on about whether you noticed.

As mentioned earlier, there are various factors that will influence a person's opinion on pornography and that opinion will also evolve during the course of one's life. Before going further I need to state that I also believe pornography to be degrading to women, but definitely also demoralising to men. Many men might differ and might have clever arguments for their claims, but they are only trying to justify their weaknesses.

Like swingers … The fact that you do not see anything wrong with it is purely that you aren't old enough, or you're lying. The day will come when you meet the one person that you cannot consciously allow or approve of having intercourse with other people. As with tattoos. One day, only when that butterfly on your bum looks like a praying fish eagle, you will regret it - when the once upon a time shoulder tattoo of a panther scares the living shits out of your poodle, you might feel some remorse. Though I am still young, I have learned that the only thing that most parents need in order to prove a point is time. Eventually you will say the same shit to your kids that you heard from your parents - and you will say it with conviction and fear that they will be as stubborn as you were and do it anyway.

I am not a fighter for a porn-free society - I just do not think it is a possibility. It is simply too profitable - from XXX videos to the swimsuit models that sell the sports magazines. Like most boys I have been exposed to pornography from a fairly young age - not with the intensity that today's kids are, but enough to awaken my interest for the opposite sex. Like most guys, I was convinced that if you want a girl to enjoy sex you must be well endowed (a monster), and you must give it to her hard. This is one reason why pornography is harmful. They sell fantasies. Compared with the sex movies, sex itself is overrated … I do not know of any couple that can have a simultaneous orgasm for an hour. But … seeing is believing, they say. So when a guy witnesses a girl climaxing on the television for an hour then that is what he wants - anything less seems inadequate. This might sound pathetic, as the acting in these movies is always shitty, but sometimes crappy acting isn't enough to make us realise that we are being taken for a ride. Look at politics … And think of the men and women that you see swearing and shouting when they watch WWF (wrestling). They must know it is acting! Yet they work themselves into a state of mayhem. This is what porn does to a man's libido.

Pornography sometimes comes in other forms. I never used to like to read, until a mate of mine handed me a novel called Vox one day. He harvested a little smile and a reassuring fire burnt in his eyes. "You gonna like this," he said self-assured, handing me the paperback of about 200 pages. It was not an intellectual achievement, but in hindsight I must admit that it got me stuck on reading. Although it still is the only erotic novel I've ever read, it was by far the most erotic literature I had laid my eyes on. I started that evening at around seven and finished the next morning at four. The whole story was about a guy phoning a sex line and his conversation with this prostitute aka sex worker. The details are not important, but I left my room on my way to varsity as randy as a rabbit. I could not concentrate. I saw nookie everywhere. At times I would find myself daydreaming, thinking of that girl on the other side of the phone - young, beautiful and sexually frustrated. I got to the point of having had enough and finally took matters into my own hands, so to speak. Ha, ha, ha!

There are two basic theories regarding pornography. The one is that pornography will decrease the number of sex offences because it gives an escape route to sexual tension. The other theory suggests that porn increases sexual offences because it stimulates the urge for sexual release. I do not know which one is right, but pornography definitely distorted my original views on sex.

Just about all men are biologically attracted to porn. Some men refrain from going to the video store to rent the latest sex movie, or going on the internet and visit the sex sites, yet they are attracted to it. Other men religiously expose themselves to this form of entertainment. The fact that you haven't seen your man with porn does not mean that he isn't in to it. Porn junkies are like drug addicts. When they are between other users they will act like them, but when they are surrounded by their families or friends that aren't aware of these activities, then it is hard to notice.

There are six types of porn junkies:

You get your serial junky. He has it all, but has a professional rule not to share. Some wicked material makes out his favourites. Usually still single, renting a garden flat from an old couple. To him watching a little porn at night has the same effect as smoking a joint - it relaxes him. He does not go out much, because it would cut in to his porn time. He drives an old car and spends money on it only when it threatens to break down. He has at least a 74 cm television. If his flat caught fire he would first save his videos and DVD's, then the TV and video machine, Playstation 2 (which also acts as his DVD player) and then … That is about it. The rest he will claim from insurance.

Secondly you have your cigar junky. To this highly energetic being, porn is like the occasional victory cigar. He is the guy who will always ignore all reason and get the stripper at bachelor parties. Men love him, but eventually break all contact with him when their own daughters reach the age of 14 - they have seen him with girls four years older. He spends all his spare time at the gym and has a good build. He is also the loudest guy you've ever met. Though men think he is the dude, women can't stand him.

Thirdly there is your paranoid junky. Though he hates porn, he spends more on it than most people, as he never saves, stores or hides porn. He has made strong statements against porn and cannot afford for people to be aware of his addiction. He would buy the latest Hustler magazine from a café eight kilometres out of his way at twice the price, just to minimise the chances of someone recognising him. He would destroy this magazine soon afterwards out of fear that someone might find it in his possession. He downloads video clips and watches them a few times before deleting them. He never saves. He also goes to the trouble of clearing the history files on his hard drive.

Fourthly there are the schizophrenic junkies. These fellows battle to deal with their own sexuality. They "never" watch porn, yet they have close on 10 Gig of porn video clips on their computers. They can get rather abusive with other guys for watching porn the one day, but could easily initiate a porn-watching session the following. When his porn personality comes out he becomes the next internet wizard. His hands move swiftly over the keypad and he gains entry to some wicked porn sites. While the one side of his character is a fighter for a porn-free society his other persona is very familiar with it, especially with S&M. When asked, he will deny all contact with it.

Fifthly we have the water-off-a-duck's-back junky. Very, very comfortable with his smut collection. It consists of only four or five tapes, but if you do not hide them then neither will he … even when your parents come to visit. He is a good man but you do not always understand him. At least he is open about everything. You have never seen him watch any of these videos and have decided never to encourage him. Yes, you love him and he is the man of your dreams, yet he can sometimes freak you out … he is kind of weird. You have always looked at his small pathetic collection of porn as him being his cute eccentric self.

Lastly you have your purely-by-chance junky. He has no intention or predetermined date with porn. To him it never really got a hold on him, mainly because he realises the power that porn has over men in general. He stays away from it as a rule and will never actively mine porn. On rare occasions when he receives it in an e-mail he will not delete the file before looking at it. This is where it ends for him.

There you have it. Those are the main types of men (porn junkies). Most men go through a few of these stages during their lifetime and hopefully at worst your man will finally become a purely-by-chance junky. The effect of pornography in monogamous relationships will probably be debated for many years to come, and the conclusion ini the end will most likely depend on the definition attached to monogamy.

I believe that certain forms of pornography have definitely made life more fun - interesting maybe - but perhaps we are being indoctrinated to think this way. Sex might be greater now than in the past, but statistics seem to indicate that long-term relationships are declining. This might not bother a lot of men now, but when they are older, a good companion becomes the most valuable commodity a person can have - and not everybody is willing to settle for a dog.

In the end it definitely does not make a relationship healthier. A certain Dr Layden made the following statement for Morality in Media at the "Erotica USA" trade show in 1999 at New York City. She spoke about the condition of relationships: "If pornography made us healthy, then we would be healthy by now."

You be the judge.



LitNet: 08 June 2005

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