Your man and sex

Olivier

Men are rough, and as most of us will admit to our buddies and ourselves, our main objective out of a relationship is freaking good sex. Yes, we want all the other stuff like respect and companionship, but mostly we want mind-blowing, life-altering sex. So what the hell are we prepared to give back and why are we such hopeless lovers? Understanding men can at best be like trying to decipher the formulae banks use to calculate home loan payments. We are a complicated species driven mainly by reason and our quest for control. Control of our lives, our destiny, our finances, our ageing process, our freedom, our partners. Men are perhaps the biggest "make-believe" group the world has ever seen - and the intensity is only growing in the modern age.

We hate the fashion channel on DSTV, but can religiously watch it when we are home alone. We do not watch the soft-porn movies on e-tv late at night, yet for some reason we would always tape the crappy movie just before it on an extra long tape - long enough for two movies.

So why exactly do we find it so hard to be ourselves? What is the reason for our sometimes strange behaviour?

The answer is rather simple: we are a confused gender - torn between what is expected of us by society and the genetic impulses we are born with. In a moment we will explore how men experience the mixing signals on sex. Firstly we need to jog through the different types of lovers out there. Men are textured. Some have a smooth texture while some men are rough. Each type of man has his own approach to sex.

You get your hopeless romantics. A strain that stereotypically looks like artists - usually tall and skinny. Almost no sense of humour, except when they are intoxicated - typically wine or cane drinkers. They take "love" more seriously than other types of lovers. To them the emotions of a relationship are more important than the relationship itself. When they are in love nothing else matters, including rugby, buddies, fashion, even hygiene. Usually they are not very good with a long-term relationships. The inevitable break-up is an inspiration to the artist. The biggest predicament women protest about is the devotion of such a character. His true love could be married, yet he is the type of guy that would keep on writing poems and making the odd embarrassing appearance at work. His poems would be dark in character and contain a lot of the contrasting images like: "The sun is dark and my frozen heart smoulders from the lack of warmth."

The second type of lover is your wannabe romantic (copycat). They have almost all the attributes of a true romantic, except that they are usually not arty at all and tend to be marginally overweight. Though they are sincere in their courting attempts, they are unimaginative and derive their ideas from external sources. Usually not as committed as the true romantic. They would also send poems to their lovers; however, they will have copied the poem from a book or perhaps the words of a love song.

Thirdly you get your player. Players are typically guys battling to part from their youth. Great sports people - your typical hometown legend. Big meat-eaters and beer-drinkers. They are reasonably successful at work, acting as the boss's pet and as the workers' watchdog - very "I"-motivated. In their twenties they are most guys' heroes. In their thirties they start drinking whiskey to keep up with the boss and become everyone's nightmare. These guys have been with most girls you know and share all their experiences with the constant audience around them. According to them they are extremely good lovers, as they have had no complaints - responsible for many girls experimenting with lesbianism.

Fourthly you get your sissy lovers. These guys have the life of a modern king. Aged between 16 and 26, they still get an allowance from their mothers. Usually they do not weigh more than 65 kg (this is why they move in gangs no fewer than five men strong at the mall), dressed in the most expensive (two sizes too big) clothes that money can buy. The sound system in their cars can give you a religious experience by the push of a button. They constantly swallow pills and are surrounded by the sexiest young girls you have ever seen. Not only do they live like kings, they are usually in the middle of a "domestic" with their "bitch". Some fuss over her walking in on him and two of her mates busy doing the nasty. It always works out. They are despised by other guys, but who cares - they get what all the movies can suggest. At night he phones his mom and tells her how he hates her because they don't understand him. Just before he bursts into tears he shouts at her and if you did not know any better you would think it is a teenage girl throwing a tantrum.

Fifthly there are your degree lovers. This will be the putz remarking: "What is so difficult about home loan payment calculations?" at the beginning of this article. He likes wearing glasses even if he does not need them. They never argue - according to them it is "debating". He cannot understand why a woman loses her temper when he questions her version of her childbirth experience. Many of these guys have a more passionate side which they hide even from their wives. In secret he reads up on Kama Sutra and because he is such a control freak he enforces it sometimes with great success.

Finally, the last type of guy: the confused lover - perhaps most men out there. They went through high school like most others and might even have some of the attributes of the preceding types of lovers. They are practical and like reading the manual of every new electronic device they buy. They will apologise after the rugby match for spending the last two hours in front of the television, but will sit for another hour watching the highlights before getting up.

Back to the original issue: men and sex. Why do men make such a big issue of sex? Isn't it all in the mind? Apparently not. I am not a scientist but will share the following explanation (in layman's terms) on man's sexual drive.

There are two mechanisms within the male body that build pressure for sexual release. Firstly, your man has two glands called seminal vesicles which fill up with the majority of fluids that make up semen in much the same way as the urinary bladder fills up with urine. The body will signal the brain that release is needed. For healthy men under the age of 50, this filling-up process will take only 24 to 72 hours.

The second mechanism is the well-documented prostate. When sufficiently aroused this bad boy produces fluids in preparation for ejaculation and if this does not happen there could be discomfort to the man.

The above does not imply that men do not possess self-control to counteract these needs. It merely confirms that men do experience biological urges. In the world today it is becoming increasingly difficult for men to have total control over the frequency of these impulses. There are so many sexual signals in today's world, which we will discuss this in a different article.

Men, in general, are confused about female sexuality and are branded as bad lovers because of their clumsy approach to sex. Below are a few examples of how Adam gets confused.

Looking at all the publications in the market it is obvious that the female orgasm is not as frequent as most men believe. This is not a new development, as the search for the legendary "G-spot" has been a focal point for many years. Some scientists claimed that they found it. There seems to be a misunderstanding about whether men care about the female orgasm or not. This confusion is created by various articles suggesting that men are simply bad lovers because of selfish reasons. "What a croc of shit." Most men aim to please their partners - believe it! Perhaps the question should be asked whether men have been so confused over the last few decades that not even they are responsible for the poor performance in bed - not only by articles but mostly by movies. Women on television and the big screen have the libido of porn stars. Not only do they like wicked, weird sex, they react to every touch as if they are on the verge of exploding. In the movies a man can kiss a woman in the neck and you can see all her muscles contracting. After five minutes of passionate kissing (woman already on her third orgasm) you notice that they have not even done the nasty yet. This leads men to the following conclusion: "Obviously I could never find her G-spot. I have been looking at the wrong place. Stupid me! I have been looking for it in her vagina - meanwhile all I needed to do was to bite her on the ass."

What a disappointment when you finally get the courage together and bite her soft ass. Yip, you feel the muscles contracting, but you realise seconds later that it is not an orgasm coming on. No, it is your petite lover turning around to interrogate you on what the hell you were thinking before teething her tender ass-skin. Her method of cross-examination will depend on her personality and obviously the intensity of the bite.

The same applies to licking your lover, perhaps biting her nipple. Obviously women enjoy some attention to their breasts, but not necessarily to the degree that movies suggest. Men love breasts and can spend hours on one of them. To a woman that same hour would be used to reflect on her day at the office - that is if you can get more than five minutes of playtime. In the movies this is not the case. In the movies the female breast is also directly connected to the illusive "G-spot". An actor manages to suck, bite, twist the nipple, and all that he gets is appreciation. Not once have I seen a movie where the actress says: "It is a bit sensitive when you do that." Hell no! They gasp for air like a mineworker with asthma.

Let's look at a few other confusing signals men needs to digest.

Sexual positions. Except for the missionary position the second most popular silver screen sexual position is the "ram" - position. Yes, stand up tall - feet apart about shoulder width, take your chick, fold her legs around your hips and ram her back into the wall. I often wonder if it isn't a stuntwoman they use, because I would break every little bone in my partner's body. In the movies, chicks dig this position. In my experience it is like trying to pee with a morning glory - you are aware that you are doing what you should, but it ain't nice.

In the movies women also do not care too much about foreplay. Yes, there is usually a fair degree of verbal teasing and a lot of kissing. Yet often when the two actors are randy enough, the actress is tossed on the bed, her panty is ripped to pieces with one hand (an act that nearly tore all the ligaments in my right index finger) and the deed is only a zipper away. Yes, you noticed I said only a zipper away. They do not need to pull their pants down - only pull the zip down.

Now try this: put on a nice pair of jeans. Open the zipper to the bottom. Put your finger through the teeth at the bottom where the zip joins. Imagine your finger was a lot thicker and you had only three, not seven, layers of skin. It is clear that what the actor is emulating with the moaning isn't it. It is like a bloody cane-rat gnawing on his precious.

Yes, in the movies the majority of sex scenes (especially the explicit ones) can be labelled as "nasty sex". Men like nasty sex. Most women don't - not all the time anyway. As I explained earlier, the majority of us men, known as confused lovers, like using movies as a manual. We observe the sexual behaviour of the actresses and try to imitate what we see in the movies, hoping that we will create the same bliss as on the silver screen. When we do strange stuff, don't respond with, "What the hell is wrong with you!?" Gently shift the focus to something that you like. When we take the ice-bucket from under the bed and you feel like saying, "Well done you dumb shit, you just spoiled a nice evening!" understand that we are merely trying to be creative. Use that opportunity and lead us away from the ice-bucket. Do anything … perhaps grab the bull by the horn.

After many years of trials and tribulations, I know the following: I understand as little as I always have concerning female sexuality. Acting out a sexual scene copied from a movie can lead to you feeling and looking stupid. During the sex act men lose perspective on how far they can go - this is due to our chemical make-up. After the male orgasm that chemical force changes - and we become the same dogs we have always been and we roll over and play dead.



LitNet: 21 April 2005

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