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My memory
Zazah Khuzwayo Zazah Khuzwayo finished matric in 1994 and went to study Electrical Engineering up to N3. She didn't finish, and went to find work. She wrote her book called Never been at home and self-published it in 2001. In March this year it was published by David Phillip. The first chapter of the book was published by Botsotso Publishers (in their magazine), and in 2000 the same chapter appeared on LitNet.
"Ngiyazi ukuthi uma ngiqala ngisebenzisa igama elithi 'ukuhlukumezeka' abantu baqala ukucabanga ngezinhlamvu ezinkulu ezigqamile abavame ukuzibona uma bedlula ezibhedlela noma uma bevakashele ababathandayo. Isikhathi lapho abangekwazi khona ukukubona ukuhlukumezeka, yingenkathi sebequlekile benjengabafile, belele ohlakeni bedlula kulolu phawu. Kodwa-ke uhlobo lokuhlukumezeka engixoxa ngalo lwehlukile. Ngifuna ukuxoxa ngokuhlukumezeka ongenakukubona. Ngisho ukuhlukumezeka ongeke wasebenzisa izinzwa zakho kukho kodwa okuwukuhlukumezeka okudinga ukuqonda, isineke namava. "
The kind of trauma I want to talk about is a different one. I want to talk about the trauma that you can't see, the one for which you can't use your senses; but this one needs understanding, patience and experience.

This kind of trauma is like a snake: not many people see it coming and if left untreated or dealt with it can lead someone to death, prison, fear or absolute madness.

Ukuhlukumezeka

Zazah Khuzwayo

Also available as: Trauma
Ngiyazi ukuthi uma ngiqala ngisebenzisa igama elithi "ukuhlukumezeka" abantu baqala ukucabanga ngezinhlamvu ezinkulu ezigqamile abavame ukuzibona uma bedlula ezibhedlela noma uma bevakashele ababathandayo. Isikhathi lapho abangekwazi khona ukukubona ukuhlukumezeka, yingenkathi sebequlekile benjengabafile, belele ohlakeni bedlula kulolu phawu. Kodwa-ke uhlobo lokuhlukumezeka engixoxa ngalo lwehlukile. Ngifuna ukuxoxa ngokuhlukumezeka ongenakukubona. Ngisho ukuhlukumezeka ongeke wasebenzisa izinzwa zakho kukho kodwa okuwukuhlukumezeka okudinga ukuqonda, isineke namava.

Lolo hlobo lokuhlukumezeka lunjengenyoka abantu abaningi abangayiboni ukuthi isiyeza. Uma lokhu kuhlukumezeka kungayekwa kungelashwa noma kungezubhekanwa nakho ngqo kungenza ukuba umuntu agcine esefile noma eboshiwe, noma agcine esehlanya nokuhlanya. Kwabanye abantu kuthinteka indlela okumele babuke ngayo impilo noma abanye bavele babe ngonkomo idla yodwa. Lokhu bangakwenza ngokuthi bazonde laba bantu noma bangabethembi. Bangagcina sebewatshingela kude le namaphupho abebenawo.

Lokhu kuthi akufane nomuntu obesengozini yemoto kodwa ubuhlungu angabuzwa nomonakalo odalekile avele awuzwe ngemuva kwesikhathi. Lokhu kuhlukumezeka engifuna ukukuchaza yilokho okuhlasela ingqondo, hhayi umzimba wonke. Phela abantu bacabanga ukuthi umuntu uhlukumezeka kuphela uma ethola ingozi, njengokushayiswa imoto noma ukugwazwa, kanye nokunye. Lokhu kuhlukumezeka engixoxa ngakho yilokho okusizungeze nsuku zonke.

Ukuhlukumezeka kusihlasela njengokufa. Sonke siyazi ukuthi sizokufa kodwa uma sekufika, sonke siyethuka. Abanye bethu baze behluleke ukwamukela ukuthi ukufa yinto okumele yenzeke. Angikaze ngibe sengozini embi eyangishiya sengife imizwa noma eyangishiya ngizingozingozi. Kanti-ke angikaze nje ngilaliswe esibhedlela.

Kodwa sengake ngaya esibhedlela ngenxa yokuthi ngangicishe ngasangana. Kulukhuni kabi ukwamukela ukuthi kukhona okungalungile kahle ekhanda lakho. Iningi lizisola kamuva ngenxa yokuthi liyathula, lenze sengathi akunalutho olulihluphayo engqondweni. Lesi sifo ngisibiza ngokuthi "ukufa okuthule" noma "ukufa okuhamba kancane". Ngikunikeza lelo gama nje ngoba akekho umuntu okwazi ukubona ukuthi umuntu udinga usizo, uyagula. Lokhu kwenziwa ukuthi lesi sifo sithatha isikhathi anduba siziveze. Abantu abakwazi kangcono kuphela abangakutshela ukuthi awuphilile. Lokhu bangakwenza ngokubona indlela osuziphatha ngayo. Yingakho-ke kubalulekile ukubagqugquzela labo obathandayo ukuthi kumele bakukhiphe lokhu okubadlayo noma wena ukhulume nabo ngokubayala noma ucabanga ukuthi abakudingi lokhu.

Nginesibonele somngani wami owahlupheka ngenxa yalokho okwenzeka ngaphambilini empilweni yakhe. Ngeshwa, wavuleka amehlo ngemva kwesikhathi. Waboshelwa ukuzama ukubulala. Ngaya ukuyomvakashela ngoba ngangingakholwa ukuthi umuntu owayephansi njengaye wayengazama ukubulala omunye umuntu. Wayenzeni lo muntu ukuba wayengaze amenzise lokhu? Ngiyazi ukuthi wayekade ephuza. Sonke siye siziphathise okwezinhlanya ngemva kokuphuza obhiye abambalwa. Yebo siye sihlangane nabangani emsebenzini noma ekholiji noma emashibhini noma sazane ngenxa yabanye abangane. Kodwa inkinga ukuthi siqhamuka ezindaweni ezingefani kanti kwesinye isikhathi siphilela ukuzijabulisa singabe sisahlala phansi ukuze sazane kahle.

Umngani wami akazange angitshele ngasekuqaleni, kodwa ngenkathi ephume ngebheyili, wangixoxela ukuthi wagwaza owesifazane ngoba wayebona unina kulo muntu wesifazane. Ngabuza ukuthi kungani na? Indaba inje: uyise washona yena eneminyaka eyishumi nanye. Wayengazi ukuthi lo nkosikazi ayemkhulisa wayengeyena umama wakhe. Wayevame ukumshaya emenza isigqila. Wayenza wonke umsebenzi wendlu ngenkathi abanye belibele ukudlala. Okwedlula konke ukuthi wamyekisa isikole. Ekugcineni, eseneminyaka eyishumi nesithupha wathola ukuthi lo mame kwakungeyena unina omzalayo. Kuthe lapho unina esebuya wabambelela kuyena: wayecabanga ukuthi izinkinga zakhe zabe sezixazululekile. Kuthe kusenjalo wayesethola umndeni wakhe omusha.

Emva kwalokho wabona ukuthi kungani umama wakhe wahamba wabashiya, lo mame nodadewabo abathathu babengamayengandoda, babethengisa ngomzimba ukuze bathole imali. Naye walandela ezithendeni zabo ngoba ezimisele ukuphindela esikoleni ukuze aqede izifundo zakhe zikamatekuletsheni. Kuzo zonke lezi zinkinga, wayesenawo amaphupho belu. Kepha impilo yesikole neyokuthengisa ngomzimba yayingahlangani. Waphinde washiya phansi esikoleni. Okubi ukuthi unina wayesenomkhuba wokumshaya, emcela imali yokuphuza noma yokondla isoka lakhe eliselisha: phela yena wayesegugile, ngakho-ke engasatholi mali ebonakalayo emigwaqeni.

Kwafika isikhathi lapho omunye wesifazane wahilizisana naye ngamazwi emsebenzini. Wamsunduzela phansi. Ngaleso sikhathi akazange esacabanga nakucabanga ngoba babematasatasa belungisa itafula. Kwabuya zonke izinto ayefuna ukuzenza kumama wakhe ngokumshiya esemncane, nokubuya kwakhe ezomsebenzisela ukummemela amadoda. Konke okwenzeka wakubona kunjengesithombe ekhanda lakhe. Kwabuya ukuthethiswa, ukusunduzwa nokushaywa. Wayefuna ukuziphindisela kodwa into ayibona ukuzibona ephelelwa amandla eshaywa. Wayesethatha ummese eseziphindisela. Umqondo wakhe waze wabuya ngenkathi iphoyisa limkhahlela limfaka eselini ejele.

Umbuzo omkhulu ukuthi yini esiyenzayo emphakathini? Phela umphakathi ugcwele abesifazane nabesilisa abanezinkinga ezinhlobonhlobo kepha lube lungekho usizo olwanele, bebe bengekho osonhlalakahle noma izazi zezengqodo ezanele ezinokubasiza. Siphila endaweni lapho izingane zingavikelwa neze ngokwanele nguhulumeni, futhi ayikho nemali eyanele noma abantu abazimisele ukunikeza usizo. Akuzona izingane kuphela ezihlukunyezwayo kodwa nabantu abadala.

Uma ubuka abantu besifazane uyakwazi ukubona ukuthi bayakwazi ukubekezelela ukucindezelwa nanoma yiluphi uhlobo lokuhlukunyezwa ekhaya noma emsebenzini. Bonke banezizathu ezahlukene zokuhlala bangashiyi phansi. Isizathu kungaba imali noma iningi labo lifuna ukuba nesiqiniseko sokuthi bahamba nje kungenxa yezizathu eziqinile. Kwesinye isikhathi basuke sebedinwe befile bengasakwazi nokuphefumula.

Kodwa okubi abangakwazi ukuthi ababuqondi ubukhulu bokulimala okwenzeka engqondweni. Phela ingqondo ilawula umzimba. Uma ingqondo ingenamandla, nomzimba nawo uba njalo. Uke ubone indoda ifuna ukuziqinisa njengendoda, yenze sengathi konke kuhamba kahle ekhaya nasemsebenzini. Amanye amadoda azokwenza sengathi impilo yawo yasocansini ingungqaphambili. Abanye bazosenga ezimithiyo basho nokuthi banemisebenzi emihle noma imoto kanokusho. Basuke befuna ukuveza ukuthi konke kuhamba kahle. Baze basho bathi, "indoda ayikhali".

Ngemva kwakho konke lokhu, kumele ubuke imiphumela yokushaya indiva noma yokungawanaki amandla okuxoxisana, amandla othando, amandla okuxolela. Ngicabanga ukuthi empilweni, inkululeko iqala ekhanda lakho. Kwesinye isikhathi kumele ube nokukhulu ukuzimisela bese uvuma ukuthi impilo yakho ibheke phezulu. Kodwa kumele ungavumi ukuba osekwedlule kuwashabalalise amaphupho nekusasa lakho. Ungafuni ukuzenza usolwazi ngempilo: thungatha usizo bese uxolela maqede uqhubeke nempilo yakho. Ukuthula nothando olufunayo kumele kuqale kuwena ngaphakathi. Uma ungakwazi ukunikeza uthando ungalindela kanjani ukuthi omunye umuntu akunike lona? Konke kuqala kuwena ngaphakathi.

Konke kuphakathi enhliziyweni yakho, emoyeni wakho nasengqondweni yakho. Uma kungenzeki lokhu umphakathi ufukamela abantu ababulala bephindelela, abadlwenguli, izinhlanya, abahlukumezi nabantu abavalelwe ejele kodwa okungamele babe lapho.
Manje-ke, ngabe abantu bashonaphi uma kungekho lusizo nokwelulekwa, futhi kungekho kwelashwa? Mhlawumbe uma sifuna ukwehlisa isibalo seziboshwa emajele ethu kuzofanele sibheke ukuthi kunani ezingqondweni zalabo bantu. Ngake ngafunda indaba yomfana owashiswa yigesi eseneminyaka eyishumi, wavaleka amehlo waphenduka impumputhe. Kwakubuhlungu, kodwa umndeni wakhe nabangane babelokhu behlezi eduze kombhede wakhe. Kodwa ngabe bashonaphi labo abangenabo ababa seduze kwabo? Esikhathini esiningi impendulo ilula, badla izidakamizwa. Bangasebenzisa utshwala ngokweqile, ugwayi noma ezinye izidakamizwa ezinamandla ezinesejwayezi futhi ezingalimaza kabi umzimba wabo. Ngiyazi ukuthi ziningi izinhlangano ezikhona ezingasiza, kodwa ngabe abantu bayazi ngazo? Ngikhumbula izikhathi lapho engangiba namaphupho amabi khona mayelana nempilo yami. Ngangivame ukubona umuntu owayengihlukumeza ezongihlasela emaphusheni ami. Into yokuqala engayenza ukushona etshwaleni ukuze ngikwazi ukulala ngaphandle kokuhlushwa amaphupho amabi.

Okunye kwalokhu amaKhrestu ayekuthatha njengamadimoni. Abakholelwa emasikweni babekuthatha njengelumbo, umoya omubi kanye nolaka lwabaphansi. Uma umuntu esangana, akekho umuntu ongathi lokho kuncike empilweni yakhe eyadlula, impilo ayiphilayo noma kungenxa yokuthukuthela okuvaleleke ngaphakathi kwabo, njll. Uma umuntu ehlushwa owesifazane womlungu onezinwele ezimhloshana maqede ahambe edubula bonke abesifazane bendawo abanezinwele ezimhloshana, lokhu kungenxa yokuthi lowo muntu unezinkinga ezingakaxazululwa engqondweni yakhe.

Manje sengifisa sengathi ngabe ngafunda izifundo zeSaykholoji, yikhona ngizokwazi ukubeka amagama ngendlela ethe ukucaca ukuze ngiqonde kahle lokhu engizama ukukusho. Kodwa manje ngimane ngikhuluma ngalokho engakuzwa nengakubona.

Kusukela ngenkathi ngisemncane ngangilokhu ngifuna ukwazi ukuthi kunani phakathi kosofa, kumabonakude nokuthi kwakunani emzimbeni wami. Ngadideka ngaze ngacabanga ukuthi kwakufanele ngibe udokotela. Kuthe lapho sengiphumelele ezifundweni zikamatekuletsheni ngaya kofunda izifundo zikagesi, i-Electriical Engineering. Kuthe kamuva empilweni ngase ngibona ukuthi isizathu esisodwa esasenza umama wami angishayele ukuthi nganginabangani abangalungile, kwakungukuthi mina ngangibaqonda.

Babenalo uthando yize emehlweni omzali babeyingozi. Abazange bake bazame ukusilimaza yize lokho kwakuyinto ababedume ngayo. Kwakungenxa yokuthi ngangibemukela njengabantu abafana nabanye. Uma ngibalalela ngangithola ukuthi kwakukhona ukujabula okukhulu nokulunga kubona. Kodwa ngenxa yawo wonke amaphutha abawenza ngaphambilini, umphakathi wawungafuni ukubanikeza ithuba, futhi kade sewuphelelwe yithemba ngabo.

Kuthiwa isikhathi siyelapha kanti uthando luwumuthi. Kodwa abasho njalo bayehluleka ukusho nokuthi isikhathi singaba yisitha uma ugqibelene ngolaka oluvaleleke ngaphakathi kwakho. Njengoba indlu idinga ukugcinwa ihlanzekile, nenhliziyo yakho idinga ukwenziwa njalo. Kepha uma uhluthulela, uvalele zonke izinto phakathi, impilo yakho isengcupheni yokuphenduka inhlekelele ngaphandle kokuba wena ukwazi lokho. Umuntu omzondayo yena akahlupheki ngenxa yokuthi uyamzonda, kodwa nguwena ohluphekayo ngenxa yazo zonke izinto ezingaphakathi kwakho.

Uma ukhula ungumuntu ongenasici awufuni ukucabanga uzibone ungumuntu onokuthile okungahambi kahle emzimbeni wakho. Kodwa uma kungenzeka uvelelwe ingozi uze ugcine usungenayo imilenze, impilo kuzodingeka ukuba iqhubeke. Kuzofuneka ukuba uzejwayeze isimo sakho esisha sempilo futhi uyiphile ngokuphelele, yize kungelula ukukwenza lokhu. Ubani owathi abantu abakhubazekile abanayo injabulo? Kuyefana konke. Akekho umuntu okhula efuna ukubulala ephindelela noma ukuba uhlanya. Konke lokhu kunganqandwa uma kungasheshe kutholakale. Ziningi izinto abangazisebenzisa njengalezo ezibanikeza amandla ukuze bazizwe bephilile futhi bakhohlwe yilokho okwakubezwisa ubuhlungu. Phela akekho umuntu ofisa ukuba impilo yakhe imane iguquke nje, njengokunqunywa unyawo noma ukungaboni emehlweni. Kuba kubi kakhulu uma ngabe isimo sengqondo yakho siguqulwa isimo ophila ngaphansi kwaso, noma uma ngabe abantu ophila ngaphansi kwabo kube yibona abaguqula impilo yakho.

Sonke sikhula sinohlelo oluthile ngempilo yethu. Kwezinye izikhathi lolu hlelo alusebenzi empilweni yethu. Ukwenzeka kwento embi kithina kungaholela ekutheni sithole into engcono kunalokho ebesikulindele, kungakhathalekile ukuthi siyasebenza, sifunda kanzima noma sigxilise umqondo kunoma yikuphi esikwenzayo. Kepha impilo yethu asiyilawuli, kunamandla angaziwa okuyiwona alawula impilo yethu. Into enhle okumele yenziwe ukuba singalilahli ithemba kepha sihlale siphokophele ekuzuzeni lukhulu.

Impilo isazi kangcono kunalokho esikucabangayo. Thina sonke kumele sifune ubizo lwethu ngoba silapha ukugcina izidingo ezinhlobonhlobo. Kunezinto, njengoba bese ngishilo, ezingaba usizo ekwedluleni ezintweni ezibuhlungu. Imisebenzi yobuciko ngenye yezindlela zokwelapha. Ukufunda izincwadi kwenza ukwazi ukuthintana nemiqondo yabanye abantu kanye nempilo yabo. Okwesibili ukubhala, kungaba izinkondlo, izindaba ezimfushane noma amanoveli nanoma yiluphi uhlobo lombhalo. Phela uma ubhala yilapho ukhipha khona imicabango yakho nemizwa uyidlulisela kwabanye abantu. Ukudweba ngopende noma ukwenza imidwebo ngepensele nakho kungenye indlela yokwelapha. Angikwazi ukudweba kepha sengake ngayibona imidwebo eyangikhulumisa ngendlela emangazayo. Yingakho nje ngiye ngizinikeze isikhathi sokuvakashela eGalari ngiyobuka umsebenzi owenziwe umdwebi. Nginesiqiniseko sokuthi kusekuningi lokhu, njengokudansa, imidlalo yaseshashalazini nokunye okuningi. Kanjalo-ke izingcweti zemisebenzi zizojeqeza emuva ziyihleke impilo yazo ebuhlungu esezike zayiphila ngaphambilini.

Laba bantu banqoba maqede baqhubekele phambili, bese bethola ukuthi impilo inokuningi efuna ukukunikeza umuntu kunokuba ikugxilise kuzimbuyiselamuva. Amakholwa azibiza ngokuthi angabanqobi abangaphezu kokunqoba. Empilweni kumele ube yisilwi. Noma isimo singaba njani, phokophelela ukunqoba!

Abanye baphendukela kuNkulunkulu bese behlanganyela emkhulekweni, entshumayelweni nakubantu ukuze babelane ngezinkinga zabo nabanye enkonzweni. Enkonzweni babuye bafunde iBhayibheli ngoba bekholwa ukuthi linazo zonke izimpendulo. Izibhedlela eziningi zinabasebenzi bezenhlalakahle kanye nezazi zezifo zengqondo ongaxoxa nabo. Futhi kukhona nezinombolo zocingo ezishayelwa ukuze uthole usizo lokunikezwa imiyalo.

Ezindaweni eziningi abesifazane banamaqembu lapho beya khona ukuyolima izingadi, ukuthunga nokusizana ngezinkinga ngezikhathi zobunzima. Okukhulu ukwazi ukuthi awuwedwa. Kukhona usizo phandle la ngakho-ke asikho isizathu sokuthi uhlupheke wedwa. Ilawule impilo yakho. Ungavumeli noma yini, noma ubani ukuba one impilo yakho. Impilo imfushane kabi ukuthi ungayichitha ngokuzibulala ngexhala nenzondo. Impilo iyigugu kabi ukuthi ingamane ichithwe nje. Yisebenzise futhi uyiphile ngokuphelele. Yibheke njengephazili okumele lixazululwe, yileyo naleyo mpilo oyitholayo kufanele uyigubhe njengomkhosi. Ezinye izimpendulo zidinga usizo yingakho nje kungamele ube wedwa!



Works by the author:

Never Been at Home (pictured below) Never Been Home

<< Back to all authors <<


LitNet: 13 October 2004

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