Badly broken

Martin Joubert

Today I thought that putting it on paper might help me. I’m not good at writing letters and think it’s actually stupid, but I’ve got so much to say and you’re not one to talk about things.

Last night for the first time I realised how much I care for you. I thought I had all my “safety measures” in place and that I won’t get hurt - I fooled myself. You’ve been my nightmares tinged with love. It’s not something that I planned or wished for. It’s more like dawn creeping up on you and before you know it, it’s midnight. I spent days thinking about you. The more you bothered me, the less I could forget about you. And the more I learned about you, the less I wanted you to leave me ... And I really don’t know how to deal with this, I’m so afraid that there still might be a sparkle of hope, but I’m more afraid that the few words thrown out might destroy something that I loved - what if the words had the effect of polio on me?

It’s true that those we meet can change us, sometimes so profoundly that we are not the same afterwards. You’ve been such a great friend and you’ve guided me in so many walks of this life - and it made me feel so special. I didn’t know if I should mention this to you, but doubt is only useful for a while and then the ultimate reality set in. The moment I imagine you as mine, you vanish!
What we had stole my heart and thrilled me.

I wish I could explain what I feel now, I think what really hurts is that empty feeling, like there’s nothing inside you. Then sometimes I think I’m doing okay, only to open my mouth not able to get a word out. Most of all I need you to understand that I’m not blaming you at all - I just need to share my pain with someone.

I’ve alienated all my other friends because you were everything to me. I didn’t need them. You and I on the couch with Samuel and Tina watching TV became my weekly highlight. I could never talk to someone about anything under the sun before, I feel at ease with you, I don’t have to pretend or try and be something I’m not - I treasure that with all my heart. I know I’ve been told not to get too serious, and I’ve tried - I’m still trying. I thought that I must fight for “it”, but I know that you will despise the action.

You bring Joy and Pain in equal measure. Joy because you’re a such a kind man and Pain because I never know where I stand with you. I get a rush of an unnamed emotion every time I think back to when you hit me on the shoulder or when you told me “Don’t act” or when those blue lasers of yours stared at me.

Do you ever think about us? Your voice became strange in a familiar way but also familiar in a strange way and I miss it. The morning you sent me away pretending everything was fine, left a big question mark in my life. I’m still searching for reason, searching for answers only you can provide. I suppose Life goes on, but the Scars never fade and every day I have to face them again, and again.

I will love you, William, come what may.

EmJay

Emjay: “Born on 27th January 1979 to two wonderful parents. Live in and love Johannesburg, passionate about life, friends and fast cars.”

20 November 2003

boontoe / to the top

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